


first love

by MistyMoon



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Dragon Age AU, M/M, Minor Character Death, Non-Linear Narrative, alternatively the medieval moonlight au, burn at a moderately fast pace, dai spoilers btw, dalish!reon, mentioned fear of mages, mentions of traumatic experiences, qunari!ushijima, so if u want gay ushireon ur in luck but pinning?? no, the mess that was the fade is also included, their thin g is a bit rushed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-13
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-10-04 08:20:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10272296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyMoon/pseuds/MistyMoon
Summary: Ushijima could recognize Reon by touch alone, by smell. He would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. He would know him in death, at the end of the world.





	

**Author's Note:**

> written for the hq rare pair exchange 2017 for [@candy-harlot/amanda!](http://candy-harlot.tumblr.com/)
> 
> note: both reon n ushijima are 16, shirabu n semi are 17, the rest are 20+  
> since its non linear it might get confusing so ive put numbers in case u dont do non linear narratives but otherwise enjoy (the ? parts can be read at any point in the narrative tbh) the (n/n) are things that happened between two moments like (1/2) happened after ushijima met reon but before they went to the fade  
> also ushi might be a bit ooc purely bc i have a Lot of hcs about his personality that arent rlly popular..  
> this is literally so rushed bc of the deadline so i didnt proof read it and the tenses r a bit wonky and im??? a horrible person fuck

(6) Ushijima feels lost. It’s a brief feeling, only lasting a few seconds before he is knocked out by something that he can't quite name, but it makes his chest tighten, makes him run out of air. Those few seconds of fear and worry, right after a pillar fell between him and Reon, of not knowing whether the other was okay, wounded Ushijima more deeply than any of the enemies they had faced. His eyes kept searching the place, looking for a sign, anything, that told him that Reon was safe, but he found nothing. He couldn't be sure that Reon was hurt, but that's what worried him the most; he couldn't be sure of anything. He was so lost in his own thoughts and his own fears that he barely heard something cracking and starting to fall above him.  
The darkness and emptiness that followed came so quickly that Ushijima could almost say they were comforting.  
  
(1/2) "I always seem to find you here, don't I?" Reon spoke from behind Ushijima.  
They were in an old mage's cabin, a few miles away from Haven. It was the place Ushijima chose to hide, whenever his advisors got a bit too loud, or when the war table was so full that it felt suffocating.   
When he didn't answer, Reon continued talking. "You know, whoever this mage was, he was wise. He was experimenting and trying to find a cure for the taint and, while he didn't get it, he made more progress than most."  
Reon picked up a few books, covered in dust, and sat down on the floor next to Ushijima.  
"My Keeper taught me all I know about magic." Reon looked down. "She was one of the wisest women I've ever met. I miss her sometimes."  
Ushijima knew nothing about Reon, besides what he learnt from Tendou's interrogation. Maybe he could learn a bit more.  
"Tell me about her." Reon looked at him, eyes golden under the bright light above them. He started when he had first met her, at the age of five, and went off from there. It was clear that he admired her and looked up to her greatly. Even after he was done, Ushijima asked about his family, life in the clan, about his training as the Keeper's first. It seemed like too much information, like it would get boring after a few hours of talking, but Reon's voice was one that Ushijima could listen to for years if it was possible.   
  
_I didn’t know your significance back then_   
_Back then I was content with just looking at you_  
  
(1) Bokuto says it’s the First Enchanter’s grandson that they're going to meet, which is why they're headed to where clan Lavellan is located, near Wycome. The First Enchanter had explained that, since his son had married a dalish elf, he opted for living with the clan, so Reon was born and raised among the dalish elves. Ushijima had only met two dalish elves, back when he worked as a mercenary, but he knew next to nothing about their culture.   
Reon is not what he expected. Ushijima thought that, since they were constantly being hunted and shamed by humans, they wouldn't be friendly to other races, but Reon was nothing like that. He was the first one to greet them once they reached the clan, and he treated them as if they were his family. The kindness made Ushijima feel suspicious, but there was nothing to suspect; Reon was like that with every person around him. The war and all the attacks against the Dalish hadn't changed him cold. That was a rare finding.   
“So,” Bokuto started. “You’re the First Enchanter’s grandson? I thought you’d be younger.”   
Reon chuckled. “I’m only sixteen, Seeker.”   
Ushijima forced himself to get a better look at the mage; he did look young, but his tired eyes and the scar across his left eyebrow made it look otherwise. Meanwhile, Bokuto looked extremely surprised.   
“What? No way.”   
“Seeker,” Kuroo interrupted him. “Shouldn't we focus on more important matters? Like the Inquisition” He sounded more annoyed than anything.   
“Oh. You want me to join the Inquisition?” It surprised Ushijima that he was not aware of it. Maybe the First Enchanter had not talked to him.   
“The First Enchanted reached out to us, saying that you were an incredibly reliable healer and that we could make good use of you.” Bokuto explained, ignoring Kuroo’s ‘because im not a good healer hm’. “We would like you to join us, but seeing as the situation here is just as bad as ours, we’ll understand if you prefer to stay.”   
Reon seemed hesitant. “I…” He looked back at the other elves and then back at Bokuto. “I’d be honored to, but my people-"  
"If you worry for your people's safety, I could send some healers to take care of them." Kuroo suggested. Bokuto looked surprised that he was being nice for once, but didn't comment on it.  
"I would appreciate that, yes."  
"Then," Bokuto placed a hand on his shoulder. "Welcome to the Inquisition."  
On their way back to Haven, Ushijima didn't pay him much mind, thinking about how they were going to deal with the Breach instead. Tendou, on the other hand, seemed a little too excited about the elf. Ushijima picked up bits and pieces from their conversation, and ended up finding out a rather large number of trivial things about Reon. His favorite color, his favorite flower (that would later end up mysteriously appearing on his pillow, stained with qunari war paint), and a number of other things that were all part of Tendou's usual questionnaire. He felt the need to know everything about everyone, just so he could be as accurate as possible in his books.  
Bokuto mentioned the book fact and Ushijima almost stopped dead on his tracks. Reon let out the loudest laugh he had ever heard in his life at what Bokuto said, and for a second, Ushijima forgot to walk. The loud noise startled him and it was so new, since there wasn't much reason to laugh anymore, that he couldn't help but look back at Reon. He had his hand covering his open mouth and his eyes reduced to small crescent moons. He kept staring, not moving, until Kuroo tapped his shoulder, reminding him that they should get back to Haven as soon as possible.  
Ushijima couldn't take the sound of Reon's laughter out of his mind.  
  
(3/4) Ushijima remembers falling asleep, but he’s conscious. He’s back in his home, his mother calling him for dinner. He’s conscious inside his home. The connection is immediate; he's dreaming. He's conscious inside a dream. It feels too much like the Fade and he can't help but shiver.   
Ushijima remembers every part of his house, every wall, every door. Finding his mother isn't hard; he spots her serving the food on the table and oh, she hasn’t changed one bit. Her long, black hair is tied in a braid and her horns are as long and beautiful as Ushijima remembered. It’s been so long since he had last seen her, and it almost feels like if he blinks, she’ll disappear and leave him again.   
“Is that your mother?” a familiar voice asks, and Ushijima turns his head, finding Reon leaning against a wall.   
“Yes,” he answers. “It’s her.”   
“She’s beautiful.”   
“I know.” Ushijima catches her smiling and it tugs at his heart. “Why are you here?”   
“I was worried about you.” Reon moves closer to him. “I thought we could talk here.”   
“Nothing happened in the Fade, you know that.”   
“I know, but I just wanted to make sure-”   
“I am fine, Reon.” Ushijima interrupted him. “Whatever happened in the Fade is over now, there’s no reason to worry.”   
“Wakatoshi…” Reon looked at him like his own mother used to, back when he was still a child and got hurt all the time, but insisted he was alright. Ushijima almost gave in and told him the truth, not being able to handle those worried eyes, but the sound of the front door opening took his attention away from Reon.   
His father had entered, moving quickly to kiss his mother’s cheek. It was a habit of his that, although it was a bit weird for young Ushijima to watch, he missed greatly. There were many things he missed that he used to never pay attention to back then. Even though he knew exactly what would happen now that his father was home, knew that they had to leave, he hesitated; looking at his mother after so long made him want to stay, want to hold her hand, run his fingers through her hair and tell her how much he loved her. But he couldn't, not anymore. He started walking towards the door, but Reon’s voice stopped him briefly.   
“Where are you going?” it sounded like he didn't understand why he was leaving his family, like he thought he didn't care about them. The mix of confusion and doubt in his voice was clear but Ushijima couldn't make himself explain it. It was too much.   
“We have to leave.” Ushijima left the house, and Reon, despite not understanding the situation, followed. Ushijima didn't stop walking until he could barely see his house and then he sat on the grass. He wanted to close his eyes, pretend for a moment that what would happen next had never happened, that it wasn't a memory of his, just a nightmare. Instead, he stared at his old home, not blinking, feeling the burn in his eyes. Reon had asked him why they had to leave, but he couldn't answer, couldn't choose the right words. It was better to let him see it for himself.   
It didn't take long; the horses started coming, people started fleeing the village. To this day, Ushijima did not know who was responsible for it, but he didn't care. He couldn't, not when he was forced to watch the only place he had ever had the courage to call home burn down. The fire kept spreading, until everything was covered in it, like a cloak of smoke and brightness.   
He could feel Reon’s stare, but if he was staring at the fire or at him, he didn't know. He remembered hearing about the attack, about the fire, and running back there, only to find ashes and burnt wood. There was no one left, and the ones who managed to escape knew nothing about his parents. He had nothing left. All of his memories, all of his happiest moments, all of the things that made him him; all of it, gone.   
Ushijima only noticed his tears when he felt Reon’s thumb on his cheek, wiping them away. The other was kneeled next to him, one hand on his shoulder and the other on his cheek. That, and Reon’s obvious worried look, made Ushijima want to sob.   
Reon pulled him closer and wrapped his arms around him, hugging Ushijima. It was not the closure he was used to daily, but it felt good. Ushijima needed it, and he knew Reon knew it too. One of his horns was clearly on the other’s face, but he didn't seem to mind, and Ushijima couldn't hold it in. Reon was always patient with him, always listened to him calmly and tried to understand him. He knew when Ushijima was uncomfortable, when he needed space or some advice, it seemed like he had known him his entire life. Even now, after Ushijima showed him a part of his past he wished he could forget, he didn't ask about it, not once. All he seemed to care about was the other’s well being and he didn't deserve it. Not after all he did, not from someone as kind, patient, and sweet like Reon.   
Ushijima let himself sob, drown in the comfort Reon provided him. He had mourned over the loss of his parents back then, yes, but this was different. The hands on his back, the chin on his shoulder, the sound of breathing that wasn't his own near his ear, it was all different. There was someone with him, for him, willing to stay with him through his shaking, his ugly sobs, his sentences that end up incomplete, lost in his pain.   
Reon held him until he slipped out of the Fade, until he was back in his own bed. Even though he was alone, Ushijima could still feel Reon’s soft skin against his.   
  
_Without repulsion_   
_You accepted me_   
_Without you I’m nothing_   
  
(?) Ushijima had smiled once, Reon remembered. They had just helped some of the starving villagers, and a child, couldn't be older than ten, thanked Ushijima by giving him a flower. It was a simple blue flower, but Ushijima had bowed down and thanked the kid back. Only when they were heading to Skyhold did he react; he got the flower from his pocket and stared at it, a smile beginning to form. Reon couldn't help but stare, causing him to almost trip on his robes. It was so genuine and the act surprised Reon, since Ushijima barely ever showed emotion in his face. He truly thought the other’s smile could replace the sun and make flowers bloom. If he could find a way to make Ushijima smile more often, he would. It was a truly beautiful sight.   
He wouldn't admit it yet, but he fell a tiny bit more in love with Ushijima there.   
  
(2) Everything feels like dust. When Ushijima moves, it’s as if his limbs would disappear into the mist. It feels like he's asleep, but at the same time he's painfully aware of the sting on his left leg from the wound the dragon had given him. It’s almost like being conscious inside a dream.   
Semi sighs loudly. “So, this is the fade. It’s great, looks beautiful, now how do we get the fuck out of here?” He had an arrow ready, just in case anything tried to attack them.   
“We’d have to find another rift to leave, which is not exactly easy.” Reon explained. “I guess we just have to see where it leads us.”   
“ _It_ ? As in, the Fade? You want me to trust an entire concept?” There was clear panic in Semi’s voice. “No, I’d rather die, thank you very much.”   
“We don't have much of a choice.” Akaashi said. With that, they start moving, all of them following Ushijima, even though he’s the one that knows the least, is the one who’s walking blindly.   
They find the spirit of the old Divine not long after they arrive. She whispers words Ushijima cannot comprehend, but he knows she means well. She leads them through the Fade, despite Semi’s protests, and Bokuto is vocal about their high chances of being able to leave. There are a lot of spirits, most of them trying to harm them, but Reon is fascinated. He stops near the ones they manage to get close to, and just watches. Ushijima orders the others to move forward, staying behind with Reon, just in case something attacks them. He doesn't watch his surroundings, making sure nothing attacks them. Instead, he observes Reon, notices the way his eyes light up when the spirit responds to something he did. He doesn't take his eyes off Reon, and his stare remains on him a few seconds after he told Ushijima he was done watching. He only notices weeks later, but he had adopted a habit of watching Reon whenever he could spare the time.   
Once they reach a lower level, with the ground covered in a water like substance, Semi is the first to spot the graves. He reads all of their names on it, followed by a word or two. He finds his and understands what they all mean. He quietly hopes the rest don't notice them, but they do, and he stands back, knowing what is written on his. Bokuto sees his grave, but remains quiet. Reon passes by his, but ignores it, deciding to walk towards Ushijima instead. He's looking at his own grave with a blank expression. _Being feared_ .   
Reon isn't surprised; Ushijima is a Qunari, one of the most feared races in Thedas. That he would fear people being afraid of him does not shock Reon, but makes him worry for the other. He hesitates to say something to comfort him, preferring to rest a hand on his shoulder instead. Ushijima doesn't say anything, but he doesn't reject the touch. He takes a deep breath and removes Reon’s hand.   
“There's no need to worry. I’m fine.” He reassures Reon, almost as if he knew what he was thinking. It’s far away from the truth, Ushijima would never say something that would worry him, but Reon bites. He nods and they leave the graveyard.   
Before they reach the Nightmare, Ushijima is unable to focus. He doesn't know if Reon believed him, doesn't know if he's worrying about him right now, and that, for some reason, bothers him. He doesn't want him to feel upset for something that wasn't his fault, that he did not cause. He almost misses a blow to his head, and Semi yells at him to focus, but he continues to overthink. He won't show any signs of what he's feeling, but he still _feels_ . They're complicated, and they bother him, but they're there and they're not leaving for a while, they never do. He’ll deal with them later, he tells himself, will deal with them when he has time, when he's not busy saving Thedas.   
(It never comes, he releases them with his face buried in his pillow, late at night when no one will hear.)   
Corypheus speaks to them, long after they passed the graveyard. It’s a reminder to Semi, telling him that he can't hide, that if he attacks, they’ll know where he is. It’s a provocation to Bokuto, telling him his faith is for nothing, that it’s a waste of time. It’s an invitation to Reon, telling him that if he decides to leave, the spirits of the dead will welcome him anytime. To Akaashi and Kuguri, it’s just a way to convince them to give up. It names every single thing they’ve lost, every single thing they failed to save. It pokes Kuguri, telling him the wardens would never forgive him, and it makes Akaashi doubt, telling him that no matter what he does, he’ll still go after the ones he loves the most, that he cannot save his brother.   
They encounter the Divine once again, and she reveals what truly happened at the Conclave; There was no Andraste. She died to protect Ushijima, to give him a chance to escape. Akaashi immediately blames the wardens, and Kuguri is quick to respond, anger in his voice. The argument lasts for a few seconds before Semi reminds them they can discuss this later, that their main goal is to get out of the fade.   
They face a few more enemies, but nothing prepares them for the Nightmare. Ushijima freezes, can only look back and forth between Reon and the Nightmare. There is barely any difference, and he is terrified to ask why there were two Reons with them. He knows he’s shaking, knows his breathing is irregular, knows he’s getting looks from Bokuto, but he can't tell them. Even if it’s an illusion, even if it’s the Fade pulling tricks on them, Ushijima is afraid. As a mage, Reon is capable of things he can't even begin to imagine, and he could use it against Ushijima at any moment.   
There is a familiar hand on his shoulder, yet he almost jumps. There is clear fear in his eyes, but if Reon notices, he doesn't comment. Instead, he explains to the others that the Nightmare takes the form of a person’s worst fear, so it would be different for everyone.   
They're clearly hesitating; no matter what they were seeing, facing their worst nightmare was never easy, nor something they wanted to do. Ushijima knew they were speaking, but he was so focused on Reon - no, the Nightmare - that he couldn't identify what they were talking about. It must have been important, because soon Reon tapped his arm, bringing his attention back to them. Bokuto had explained that if they could come up with a distraction, they could reach the rift without having to fight it. The problem was that they didn't have a way to distract it, unless one of them stayed behind. Reon volunteered, but Ushijima instantly objected, arguing that they couldn't lose their healer. It was true, but he also didn't want to lose Reon, specially if he could avoid it.   
The Nightmare spotted them before they could reach a decision.   
It cast a spell directly at Bokuto, who was fast enough to block it with his shield. Kuguri and Bokuto charged at the Nightmare, leading the way. Ushijima followed, not knowing whether he would be able to harm the Nightmare. He didn't know the types of spells it had, what it could do. At this point, Ushijima was shivering. He focused on causing damage while the others tried to distract it. They were causing significant damage to the Nightmare, but it still wasn't enough. It called for some allies, which made it more difficult for Ushijima to keep his attention on the Nightmare, but they were okay. Mostly.   
One of the Nightmare’s spells hit Semi in the chest, knocking him out, and Bokuto, looking back to quickly see what had happened, got hit too, staggering back. Reon placed a wall of ice between them and the Nightmare, giving them time to retreat. It was obvious now that, with two of them down, their best choice was to flee.   
“Inquisitor!” Akaashi had called to him. “There's a rift on the other side! If we manage to get through the monster, we can get out!”   
The rift was right in front of them, but so was the Nightmare. If they ran, maybe they would have a chance to leave the Fade. Maybe. Bokuto, knowing they had a chance to escape, quickly got back on his feet, going back to where Semi was, throwing him over his shoulder. Reon provided some extra mana to Akaashi so he could take control of the Nightmare’s allies and use them against it, adding to their chances of escaping.   
The Nightmare was too busy trying to fight its own allies, and Ushijima took the opportunity to lead the way towards the rift, standing aside for the others to go through when they reach it. He instantly noticed Reon did not follow him, and looked back, seeing him aiding Kuguri and Akaashi in fighting the Nightmare. He didn’t hesitate; he ran towards Reon, calling his name, telling him to escape through the rift. Reon didn’t answer, focusing on protecting the warden and the Champion. Ushijima shielded himself from the Nightmare’s attacks, dodging from its spells. The other three were clearly struggling with dodging its spells, and he knew they weren't going to be able to defeat it, but he refused to leave. There were thousand different thoughts running through his mind, a thousand different ways to deal with this situation, but they were all abandoned when one of the Nightmare’s spells hit Reon across the chest, knocking him back. Ushijima didn't think twice; he let go of his sword, hurrying to Reon’s side, and picked him up, running towards the rift. It’s a selfish move, to leave Kuguri and Akaashi behind, but he couldn’t think of anything other than Reon’s safety.   
Akaashi was distracted by Ushijima, leaving space for the Nightmare to try to pierce his sword through him. He would have been dead, had Kuguri not pushed him, the cold tip of the blade just barely scraping through his chest. He was already over his initial shock of seeing his younger brother trying to attack him, even though he knew it wasn't really him, but it was still hard to fight back. Both he and Kuguri watched Ushijima get closer to the rift and they knew that when he went through, they’d both be trapped there.   
“Akaashi!” Kuguri called him. “I’ll deal with it, go through the rift!”   
They're still dealing damage to the Nightmare, and it’s not getting any easier. If he left, Kuguri would not survive. Akaashi would be responsible for his death, and he would never forgive himself.   
Kuguri, noticing the other wasn't going to leave, started defending him from the Nightmare, giving him a chance to leave.   
“You have someone out there waiting for you, Akaashi.” he said, shielding the other from the Nightmare’s blows. “I will not be responsible for taking away someone’s happiness.”   
“But what about your own?” Akaashi had done a lot of questionable things in his life, _a lot_ , but deliberately letting someone die for no reason would not be one of them.   
Kuguri opened his mouth to reply, but the Nightmare started approaching them, barely leaving space for any attempts to escape.   
“Akaashi!” Kuguri yelled, pushing Akaashi away. “Go! Go before you can't anymore!”   
And Akaashi, thinking of Bokuto, thinking of his brother, did as he was told. He ran. Ran until he could see the rift, until he couldn't hear Kuguri’s shaky breathing. He caught the Inquisitor before he and Reon left, and managed to escape the Fade before the rift closed. He had never believed in the Maker, nor in Andraste, but he prayed, begged that they would keep Kuguri safe.   
They don't. Kuguri last words were the same words he had proudly spoken years ago, alongside a dozen of his friends. In war, victory. In peace, vigilance.   
“In death,” Kuguri whispered. “Sacrifice.”   
  
(?) The Winter Palace ball was a combination of messes that Ushijima didn’t even have time to process. The entire thing was a blur; he didn't remember walking through the orlesians, much less talking to them, and he definitely did not remember deciding what to do with Emperor Kageyama. Both he and Hinata were alive though, so maybe he didn't make such a bad decision.   
Reon found him in one of the balconies, leaning his elbows on the marble fence, looking up at the sky. It was a clear night sky, not a single cloud in sight. The nothingness made Ushijima feel calm, made him not think about the long night he just had.   
“Hey,” Reon leaned on the fence, looking at Ushijima. “Is everything alright?”   
“I’m just worn out. Tonight has been… Very long.”   
“For all of us. I’m just glad it’s over.” Ushijima took a deep breath, leaning his head on his hands.   
Reon placed a hand on his shoulder, making Ushijima turn to him. “I was worried for you tonight. I know you’ve had some experiences with the Game, but this was too much.” He looked back inside the Palace, seeing the people dancing, and spoke again. “I may never have another chance like this, so I must ask.”   
He stepped away from Ushijima, leaning forward and offering him his hand. “Would you dance with me, Wakatoshi?”   
The request surprised Ushijima. He had never learned how to dance, and he assumed that, since Reon had an Orlesian lineage, he knew his fair share about the art. He didn't want to embarrass the other.   
“I… I’ve never exactly learned how to dance, I’m afraid.”   
“I’ll guide you.” And guide him he did. Reon took Ushijima’s hands, placing one on his shoulder while he held the other in the air, and put his free hand on the other’s back. “Just follow my lead.”   
Ushijima struggled to keep his feet moving in sync with Reon’s, but the other was nothing but patient. Reon started slowly; he gave Ushijima time for him to follow his steps, only moving when he knew the other wouldn't get lost. At first, the movements felt mechanic, stiff, as if they had to have their bodies in a specific position at all times. They weren't following the music in the ballroom; instead, Reon chose to guide Ushijima to the sound of his humming. It wasn't one that Ushijima was familiar with, but it had rhythm, and following it instead of mimicking Reon's steps was a bit easier. The tight, formal clothing they had to wear was a bit restricting. Ushijima didn't know how demanding Orlesians were when it came to formal attire. He felt like if he bent his arms or knees, he would end up ripping the fabric.     
The more Ushijima perfected the steps, the faster was their pace. He couldn't hear anything besides their own breathing, it was as if they were the only two people in the universe.  Sometimes, Reon would step closer to him, and everything inside Ushijima burned whenever their chests touched. He could feel the other's breath on his cheek and he was so lost that he almost stepped on Reon's foot. His mother had always told him that love was when you looked at someone and you didn't just see the color of their eyes, but yes the entire universe inside them. And Maker, Reon had the most beautiful galaxies hidden in his eyes. Ushijima couldn't help but stare.   
Coming to the Winter Palace wasn't so bad after all.  
  
_You were my first love_  
  
(3) It’s Shirabu who had to tell Reon about the death of the clan. Not because Ushijima didn't want to, but because he couldn’t. He couldn't look Reon in the eyes, tell him that the people who raised him, his family, are all gone. It made him shiver just by thinking of it. Maybe Reon will blame him, will think that he could have done more to avoid it, and will stay away from him. Maybe that's for the best, seeing that his feelings for Reon were changing and it wouldn't do him any good. Getting attached was dangerous, especially now, so maybe he should let Reon hate him for letting his clan, his _family_ die.   
Iwaizumi had to force Ushijima to talk to Reon, and that only happens two days after the incident, mostly because Ushijima kept finding excuses to not do that.   
It was rough; Reon yelled at him. A lot. Kept saying he could have done something to prevent it, to try and save a few people, that he did nothing but watch.   
“You don't care about anyone else but yourself!” There was clear anger in his voice and Ushijima could only look at him. “You didn't try to avoid it, you just sat there and watched them kill my family, every single person that was part of my childhood!”   
Ushijima wanted to leave, should leave, but what Reon said after made him stay.   
“It’s the same thing that happened to your parents, but you don't care because it isn't your fucking family this time.”   
It took Iwaizumi, Bokuto, an ice wall casted by Kuroo (which Ushijima managed to break with his horns) and Daichi to keep Ushijima from Reon. He was angry, and he had just lost his family, but he used something Ushijima still had nightmares about against him. Reon looked just as angry as he was and something inside of him burned; he dared, _dared_ to bring up his dead parents. After what he comforted him, after what happened in the Fade, after everything that he had said and done for Ushijima.   
He didn't talk to Reon after that. Even when he understood that he was grieving, and that he most likely did not mean the things he said, that he had the right to be angry. Because it stung. He closed his eyes at night and all he could see was the ashes of his house, all he could hear was his mother screaming in fear, in despair. He couldn't focus on the new soldier training Daichi was planning, or the reports Shirabu had gotten, or the cities that wanted to be allied to the Inquisition. He could only repeat Reon’s words, over and over again, until he had to excuse himself to the still in ruins part of the dungeons, hoping the open sky wouldn't judge his tears.   
Daichi convinced him to talk to Reon again. One of his soldiers had found Reon’s mother’s wedding ring while they were scouting the area for any signs of survivors. He suggested Ushijima give it to Reon, as a peace offering.   
It was everything Ushijima did not want to do.   
He knew where Reon was, but he kept taking wrong turns, going into the wrong rooms, trying to avoid having to see the other.  It was only when he reached the gardens that he froze. Reon was kneeling right next to him, tending to the elfroot plants. He still had time to turn back and go back, tell Daichi to give him the ring himself, but Reon saw him. He quickly got up and Ushijima was ready for another confrontation.   
“Ushijima-”   
“Reon-”   
They had both started speaking at the same time. Ushijima’s hold on the ring got tighter, hoping the metal pressing into his skin would calm him down.   
“Daichi’s scouts found something that I think belongs to you.” Ushijima said, fearing that if he didn't say it now, he wouldn't later. Reon had a look of confusion on his face before Ushijima handed him the ring. Reon didn't say anything, he just looked at the ring in his hands. “I’m sorry I couldn't do much for your clan. I should probably leave you alone with it.” Ushijima intended to leave, but Reon grabbed his wrist to stop him.   
“Wait.” Reon put the ring in one of his pockets. “I’m sorry.”   
“Reon, it wasn't your-”   
“I shouldn't have brought that up. I should not have treated you so unkindly for an action that was clearly beyond your control.” Reon was apologizing. For being angry because he had just lost his family. He was _apologizing_ .   
Ushijima did not deserve that man.   
“And I shouldn't have tried to harm you. That was my fault.” Ushijima still couldn't accept the fact that he had tried to do that. He always told himself he would never have a reason to try and hurt Reon, and yet.   
“It’s alright.” It wasn't, it really wasn't. “We can just put it past us and move on.”   
“Reon-”   
“Please.” There was a hint of despair in his voice and Ushijima couldn't bring himself to argue further.  
There was an uncomfortable silence between them before Reon spoke again. He seemed to be waiting for Ushijima to say something, but he couldn't.   
“Care to help me water the elfroot plants? It’ll be faster if there's two to help.” Reon spoke. Ushijima couldn't refuse, not because he loved gardening, but because if he did, he would end up avoiding Reon for the next week or so until one of his advisors yelled at him.  
It did take him a total of five minutes to realize that he hated gardening, though.  
  
(4) It happens late at night, when Ushijima can't sleep and Reon can't either. Ushijima finds the other in the gardens, sitting on the stairs on the gazebo. He sits down next to him, and Reon rests his head on his shoulder. It startles Ushijima, but he allows it and hesitantly places his hand on his shoulder. They had been doing that for a while, the touches and this closeness, but Ushijima never knew what was the limit. Even when Reon hugged him, after he wanted to do the same for months, he still couldn't find the courage to do it himself. He didn't want to lose what they had.   
“Couldn't sleep either?” Reon asked, breaking the silence.   
“Yeah,” Ushijima answered. “I’ve had too much on my mind lately.”   
“Yeah, me too.”   
Their breathing was the only noise in the quiet night, and Ushijima took in every sound coming from Reon. He turned to him, appreciating how the moonlight brought out Reon’s features, from his sharp cheekbones to his heavily textured lips. Ushijima could spend the rest of his life looking at Reon.   
Reon raised his head and looked at Ushijima, looking like he wanted to say something. Instead, he just stared at Ushijima. A part of him was curious about what Reon wanted to say, but the other part wanted to cup his cheeks, run his thumb over his cheekbone, wanted to kiss, _feel_ every inch of his face.   
“Can I-” They both started speaking at the same time, which surprised Reon.   
Ushijima noticed Reon’s hand between them, reaching for his cheek but not quite there. It was there, frozen, as if Reon was waiting for Ushijima’s permission. They both wanted the same thing, he quickly realized, so he took the other’s hand and guided it to his cheek. Reon’s hand was calloused, yet it felt soft against his skin. Ushijima was so lost in the other’s touch that for half a second he was startled when Reon’s lips touched his.   
It didn't last long; Reon rested his forehead on Ushijima’s and he instantly missed the warmth of the other’s lips.   
“We should talk.” Reon breathed. His cheeks were flushed and he was looking at Ushijima like he was the single most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Ushijima was melting. “About this. About us.”   
“Later. I promise.” Ushijima replied and, placing his hands on Reon’s shoulders, kissed him again. He kissed his lips, his cheeks, his forehead, his nose, his jaw, every part of Reon’s skin that he could reach. Under the moonlight, Reon looked like a masterpiece no one in Thedas could even possibly think about recreating.   
Ushijima was truly in love with this man.   
  
_After the dawn, two of us_   
_We welcomed the morning together_   
_Don’t let go of my hand forever, I won’t let go of you again either_   
  
(?) It was only a few weeks later, weeks filled with kissing in secret and longer lasting touches, that Reon said it.   
They were changing the elfroot plants for spindleweed as requested by Kawanishi, but Ushijima was too distracted to do it. Every time Reon handed him the spindleweed, he couldn't not look at the other’s fingers, couldn't not focus on the feeling of his skin against his. Once they reached the fifth pot, Ushijima had completely forgotten that he had to plant the spindleweed. His eyes followed Reon’s hands and watched them dig out the elfroot, watched he put it aside and hand Ushijima more spindleweed.   
“Ushijima?” There’s confusion in his eyes, but Ushijima can only think that they look beautiful in sunlight. “The spindleweed, Ushijima.”   
Ushijima nodded, taking the plant from the other's hands.  
Reon sighed and whispered. "Ah, I love you."  
Ushijima dropped the spindleweed. His brain stopped functioning properly, using all its energies to process what he had just heard. His lack of planting motions didn't go unnoticed by Reon.  
"What?" He was asking as if he had no idea of what he just said. Ushijima could only stare back at him.  
"You love me."  
"Oh. That." Reon acted like it was something you told people everyday. Every inch of Ushijima was on fire. "You heard me."  
Ushijima tried to fight back a smile, but that wasn't a battle he could win. They both went back to planting and removing the plants, but now Ushijima could  _only_ look at Reon's hands. He loved him, he loved  _him_.  
"I... Love you too." He said, accepting more spindleweed from Reon. He could see the other's smile from the corner of his eye.  
They took a bit longer than planned to finish replacing the plants, purely because they couldn't stop exchanging ‘i love you’s every five minutes. Shirabu, who was watching the whole thing, would call them out on it later that day, asking them if they were taking care of the garden or just using it as an excuse to be together. Reon left the war table room and promised to never look Shirabu in the eye ever again.   
  
(6) Ushijima opens his eyes, only to find darkness. There's rubble on top of him, some of it too heavy on his limbs, not letting him move. He does not think of how he defeated Corypheus, does not think about how he saved Thedas. He can only think about Reon’s scream when the pillars started to collapse, when one of them fell between them, blocking his vision of the other. Ushijima knew Semi had dragged Reon away from the situation, knew he had kept him safe. A sigh of relief escaped his lips. Reon was safe.   
He had started this quest to defeat Corypheus thinking the same way he had always thought; his survival was the most important. That was what his parents had taught him, what his grandparents had taught them. He looked out for his companions sometimes, whenever they called for help, but he focused on protecting himself, and so did the others. He did not expect that to change.   
Reon was specialized in healing, so he always helped the others, putting himself in last place. Ushijima did not expect himself to change because of that, did not expect that he would sometimes come rushing to Reon’s side to help him avoid an arrow, a spell, or a sword, did not expect that he would always be checking Reon’s surrounding out of the corner of his eye to make sure the other was not in danger. It was only because he knew Reon didn't protect himself, that was Ushijima’s excuse. He started going after ranged enemies first, though, started to position himself on Bokuto’s back, knowing the other never checked behind him, started telling Reon to cast a barrier on Semi. It took him a few months to completely change his way of thinking, and he even went as far as to put himself in danger to protect others. He had not noticed it; the change came naturally to him. It was only when Bokuto pointed it out that he was aware of it.   
“Reon has _that_ much of an effect on you, huh?” Bokuto raised his eyebrows. “If I had known this would’ve happened, I would’ve seeked him out earlier.”   
Ushijima did not answer, but there was a faint tint of pink on his cheeks.   
A distant cry of his name brought him back to reality. It was Reon. Maybe he was finally losing it, maybe this was him thinking of happy things before he was gone. It wouldn't surprise him if his idea of happiness boiled down to being just Reon.   
Ushijima tried to move, pushing some of the rubble off him. It was heavy and it didn't seem to be moving, until he started to see spots of light coming from above him. There was someone else removing the rubble. Ushijima tried to make the light spots larger, clawing at the rocks as if his life depended on it. He saw a flash of dark skin and grew more desperate, using all of his force to remove the rubble. He needed to see Reon, needed to look at his eyes and touch his skin and just make sure he was alive and okay and unharmed. Ushijima needed Reon more than he needed air.   
It took a few minutes that felt like years before Ushijima could move. The moonlight was too much for his eyes, that were used to complete darkness, but he tried to keep them open just so he could look at Reon. The first thing the other did was pull him into a hug and whisper rushed ‘i love you’s on his shoulder. Ushijima tightened the hug and he doesn't even remember how long they stood there, in each other’s arms, but he couldn't care. Reon was safe, he was _safe_ , and that was all that mattered.   
  
_I remember back then_   
_When I was fed up and lost_   
_Back then when I fell into a pit of despair_   
_Even when I pushed you away_   
_Even when I resented meeting you_   
_You were firmly by my side_   
_You didn’t have to say anything_   
_So don’t ever let go of my hand_   
_I won’t let you go ever again either_   
_My birth and the end of my life_  
 _You will be there to watch over it all_

**Author's Note:**

> based off yoongi's first love?? i have no idea what ur on abt...  
> listen im gay and i live through ushijimas love for reon bc every 5 seconds that man was on screen i could swear my heart grew in size by 4000%


End file.
